I have always been good with goodbyes. I would hold my head high, turn away and go my way. I would never drop one tear. Unfortunately, I knew that this goodbye was necessary because I knew God took that person out of my life for a reason. I wouldn’t run after him or her because I understood that this goodbye was supposed to be.
A few days ago, I had to say goodbye to someone, and for the first time in forever, I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say to others, but mostly to myself. I don’t know what to say to feel better because my heart is breaking. I can literary feel my heart cracking into a million pieces. It’s the worst feeling ever. I don’t think I was ever prepared for this kind of pain, hurt and most of all betrayal in my life.
When I was little, my mom always prepared me for a happily ever after. When she read to me fairy tales before bedtime, I remember being transported into a world of beauty, love and magic. My mom told me to be a good, patient girl and my prince charming was just around the corner to swipe me off my feet. That’s what I did, I waited, waited and waited for 20 years to find my one true love. When he came 10 months ago, I truly believed that I found my soul mate.
He was the definition of wonderful; loving, respectful, spiritual and funny. We would spend countless hours together. I didn’t love him, I am in love with him. So many laughs, tears of joy, and big happy smiles. So, now all I’d like to know is “How do I forget someone I gave so much to?” “How do I move on and pretend that nothing never existed between the two of us?” When you share your dreams, fears, and secrets to someone you believe would last forever…Then I think, Is there a fairy tale to tell me how to deal with the ending of my not so happily ever after? If Ariel, Belle, Cinderella and Snow White found their one true love, why can’t mine stay with me till my very last breath? Why? Why? Can anybody hear me? Can anybody answer me?
‘Fairy tales aren’t real’ said my best friend. My heart is cracking into bits and pieces again. It can no longer take all those lies and so much pain. I don’t believe her. Fairy tales are real, everyone knows that happily ever afters are inspired by real events. My heart is cracking again. More lies. Fairy tales are inspired by authentic events, but the authors changed the plot twist to make it prettier because they knew that the true ending was a sadly ever after.
Why didn’t my mom prepare me for a sadly ever after instead? She filled my head with nonsense and unreachable expectations. I’m even more messed up now you know? What do I do? What do I do to get myself out of the deep hole that I am in? ‘Cry’ said my best friend. Cry until you feel your eyes detaching from your skull. Cry and hold your pillow tight. Instead, I hold my teddy bear against my heart. At that moment, I’m 6 years old again and I am catapulted back to when my mom tells me to be a patient good girl. Well, now I’m not a little kid anymore. I have to stop acting like one. I put back my high heels on and keep my head even higher. I have to stop being so attached to someone who I gave so much to and received nothing from. After the laughs, tears of joy and big smiles, there were also a lot of screams, tears of sadness and a lot of no smiling moments. Just wondering if he ever truly loved me or if everything he ever told me was just a lie? It’s time that I start learning to say goodbye, but for now…I’m still wishing that my sadly ever after isn’t true.